Monday, September 27, 2010

I'm Not a Photographer




Photographers carry around big cameras, big lights, big flash contraptions and little meters, they talk about film stock, ISO's, F stops and capturing the perfect light right before dusk.

Photographers creep through neighborhoods of poor people looking for interesting poverty related things to "capture" in black and white or muted color.

Photographers spend lots of time in cramped dark rooms with red lights and chemicals that smell like egg farts.

Photographers get in heated exchanges about the direction Leica is headed or that one camera maker that sounds all german, hasselhoff?

Photographers have lots of lenses that they will tell you about whether you ask them or not, like the one that can see an ass hair on a mosquito or the remarkably "bright" one that can photograph the pope's underwear tag from a tower in hell.

Photographers say "glass" a lot, "Thats a nice piece of glass you got there Danny." which would be funny if it was a joke. No it wouldn't.

Photographers show you shoes hanging on wires, pink boxes in the green weeds, little black girls with blue eyes and nuns sitting under billboards of naked men.

Photographers have all kinds of cameras, most of them are rare and vintage but they love to remind you that their absolute favorite cameras are crappy plastic cameras they found at the thrift store for 25 cents.

Photographers LOVE Polaroid because you can take a picture of absolutely ANYTHING with a Polaroid and it will look like you got your BFA.

Photographers know the names of every other photographer who ever lived and they can tell you exactly who took the first picture of an old barn door or a naked girl on a sofa.

Photographers talk about how little they use photoshop IF AT ALL, and even then it's only to "adjust some curves" or "make the blacks a little more black."

Photographers make use of make up artists, hairdressers, location scouts and stylists which is way way WAY different than photoshopping out zits and wrinkles.

Photographers freeze moments to show the REALITY. They love that word, "reality" also they like to say "RAW" a lot.

Photographers have websites with big black or red sans serif fonts on white backgrounds.

Photographers put their client list at the bottom of the side bar where it looks like they don't really care about it but just in case you didn't like their photographs you can see who did.

Photographers list their accomplishments in a timeline so just in case you didn't like their photographs you can see who did. Wait, did I just say that?

Photographers have strong opinions about Terry Richardson.

Photographers get upset about cropping.

Photographers like the anticipation, surprise, expense, delay, grain, smell, challenge, discipline, texture, and overall unpredictable "magic" of analog, soo opposite of effing digital.

Photographers use the word amateur to describe most other photographers.

Photographers miss the good old days when photography was expensive and out of reach to amateurs.

Photographers blame the lab a lot.

Photographers go to school to study photography because you can't tell if a photo is good just by looking at it.

Photographers whisper cutting edge poetic gems like "digital has no soul."

Photographers only really like 2 or 3 other photographers, the one's whose photographs most resemble their own and they like to keep those books right out on the coffee table where everyone can see them.

Photographers think all commentary about photography and photographers is likely directed at them.

So yeah, I don't give a stumbling poop about any of that stuff.

I'm not a photographer.

//P:Belladonna found this on internet here

3 comments:

Chopperdave said...

Uhhh, who is Terry Richardson?

P.Belladonna said...

yes,one can wonder??

Sideburn Magazine said...

Brilliant!
I am now an ex-photographer
BP